


A Different Kind of Harm

by ChildofMyth



Series: Twice You've Fallen Now [2]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Blood and Injury, Comfort, F/M, Implied Past Self-Harm, Papyrus is a real life security blanket, Reader Insert, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, i dont really know which should be first in chronological order, oh well, so uh, this actually is written as existing in the same universe at Monster Alcohol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-13
Updated: 2018-12-13
Packaged: 2019-09-17 16:23:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16977945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChildofMyth/pseuds/ChildofMyth
Summary: Living with the skeletons after falling into the underground meant keeping up with Papyrus's wild curiosity.In fact, it was your rent. In exchange for living there you answered any questions Papyrus had about humans or the surface world in general. It never bothered you, you liked sharing what seemed like common knowledge to you with the monster, watching the way his eyes lit up with glee at any information.There was one problem though...He was starting to catch on.





	A Different Kind of Harm

Living with the skeletons after falling into the underground meant keeping up with Papyrus's wild curiosity.

 

In fact, it was your rent. In exchange for living there and not being taken to Undyne(though you honestly didn't think Papyrus would drag you off to her at this point. You two had become too close.) you answered any questions Papyrus had about humans or the surface world in general.

 

It never bothered you, you liked sharing what seemed like common knowledge to you with the monster, watching the way his eyes lit up with glee at any information.

 

There was one problem though...

 

He was starting to catch on.

 

Your self-harm was... different than others. You hated the feeling of cutting your arms or legs, any soft part of your skin really. It felt wrong and hurt in a bad way, so you didn't do it.

 

You still felt the desire to hurt yourself though. You didn't know if it was a punishment for yourself, or some kind of fucked up stress-reliever, but the feeling was there none-the-less.

 

Luckily(maybe luckily wasn't the right word...) you found a way to satiate that desire.

 

Then you fell into the Underground and moved in with two skeleton monsters; one that was apathetic most of the time and one that had a sort of hyper vigilance. So your itch went unscratched for too long.

 

Until you realized you could pass it off as a normal human thing.

 

How could they know better?

 

So you did the first time Papyrus walked in on you in the bathroom, sitting on the edge of the tub, pocket knife in hand, shaving away the skin of your heel.

 

When he caught you that first time, you felt the hot wash of shame all over your skin and your body began to shake. Despite that, you were frozen in place as he looked you over with a questioning gaze.

 

"HUMAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING EXACT--" He began, voice naturally loud and brash. You cut him off in a burst of movement that followed the sudden idea. You jumped up to stand on the toilet and put your hands over his teeth to quiet him. You think you did less to shush him this way, rather that he just stopped speaking so he wouldn't accidentally pinch your skin between his teeth.

 

"Shh, Papyrus. Don't worry, this is normal." You lied through your teeth, faking a smile and thanking whatever higher power existed that you hadn't cut too deep already.

 

Papyrus tilted his head in intrigue and pushed both of your hands away with one gloved hand. "NORMAL?" He questioned in a tone that was a bit softer than before.

 

You nodded and dropped back down, sitting on the bathtub edge again. "Yeah, normal. Not every human does it, but some do. You see, sometimes we get excess hard skin growing on our heels." You explained, kicking your foot up to show him. "Sometimes we like to shave away the excess. It feels better and can even be relaxing."

 

Papyrus nodded sagely as you spoke, putting a hand to his chin and squinting his eye sockets in his 'I'M THINKING VERY DEEPLY' face. "I SEE... OKAY THEN, CARRY ON HUMAN!" He announced, breaking into a satisfied smile and exiting the bathroom again with a flourish.

 

You were safe.

 

You stopped that day, putting your knife away until the need rose again. You knew it would.

 

It did a week or so later. This time it came full force following the over-stimulation you felt at Grillby's special Burger lunch. The building was packed and blaring with chatter and the smell of greasy food(thankfully there was no overwhelming alcohol smell, Grillby only started serving that later in the day). It was welcome at first, but slowly things felt more and more claustrophobic until finally you felt yourself practically shutting down where you stood.

 

So, instead, you escaped while no one was looking, hiding yourself back in the quiet comfort of the skeleton household. Sans was still at Grillby's and Papyrus was out, either with Undyne or patrolling, you really weren't sure. You'd felt off all morning before this, so you hadn't really comprehended his words when he announced his schedule this morning.

 

The important thing was that you were alone.

 

And your feet were itching.

 

You sat at the top of the stairs, knife in hand, and folded your legs.

 

You didn't really realize how long you'd been at it, or how much damage you'd done until a loud clatter shook you from your trance. You looked up, eyes wide and red-rimmed, to find Papyrus standing just two stairs down from you. He'd dropped the magical bone weapons he had been holding and was staring at you, mouth agape.

 

Then you looked down and saw the spots of blood on your hands, the blotches peppering the stair below you, and the heavy coating that dripped from your torn into heels. Flakes of your skin littered the ground with the blood, showing a clear diagram of how deep you were going by the way the flakes got paler and paler. You gulped, fingers shaking.

 

Oh my god... Papyrus saw you like this.  _Papyrus_  of all monsters!

 

Your eyes shot up again, blood pumping in your ears. Papyrus just stared down at you, horror dawning in his expression.

 

You whimpered, gaze becoming glassy and blurred all of a sudden. You wanted to speak, deny his horror, tell him you weren't absolutely fucked in the head, you didn't want to hurt yourself for the sake of some form of punishment, that you just weren't that person!

 

..But no words came through your clogged throat.

 

Instead, you let your pocket knife slip from your fingers and turned away, scrambling to your feet to run away and barricade yourself in the bathroom. In that split second you thought that would somehow save you entirely from this situation. You didn't actually get that far...

 

You got about two steps away from the crime scene before you crumpled to your knees and elbows, sobbing from the sting that traveled up your legs from the simple act of walking. You had gone overboard this time. Still, you tried to scramble forward only to be stopped again by the pain shooting through your feet. The simple act of having your feet curled while you crawled was freezing you in place. You pressed your face to the floor and gripped at your shin in a useless attempt to press down the pain.  It didn't help.

 

You opened your eyes in surprise as you were suddenly flipped over and lifted into the air. You looked up, confused and trying to catch up mentally to what was happening to you physically.

 

There was the firm shape of Papyrus's jaw, teeth pressed together tightly. He stared forward as the two of you moved and you realized he was carrying you in his arms. His gaze was like stone.

 

When you looked away again, you were in the bathroom, sitting on the edge of the bathtub with your legs set inside. The water was on and you couldn't seem to tear your gaze away from the streaks of red that swirled in the liquid as it washed over your feet. It stung ice cold against your skin, but it felt so oddly soothing against your hot, broken skin. You were breathing harshly, filling the room with the sound before looking up and realizing that it was the only sound in the room. You twisted around to look over your shoulder and found yourself alone. For that moment at least.

 

Papyrus reappeared in the doorway, jaw still set firm. He didn't look at you.

 

Instead, he turned the sink faucet on and rubbed away the red stains in the cloth he held. They streaked away down the drain, smaller than the streaks that washed from you. You turned away again to stare down at your feet, noticing that your breathing had become much more shallow.

 

You heard Papyrus walk away again, then return once more. He returned to the sink to wash something more, you didn't look, then you listened to him turn and walk up to your back.

 

You didn't mean to make the sound you did... But feeling his energy standing at your back after he caught you in your shame... Your shoulders stiffened and you sucked in a breath that turned into an involuntary whine that drew from your chest, just short of a sob really.

 

You didn't want to face him.

 

Not like this.

 

Not now that he  _knew_.

 

You could hear him shuffle and shift until he settled down on the edge of the tub next to you, turned the opposite way.

 

You continued to stare down at the thinning red trails.

 

"I CLEANED IT OFF FOR YOU, BUT... I FEEL HESITANT ABOUT GIVING IT BACK." Papyrus spoke, tone void of his usual pep. You turned your head to see he held your pocket knife out between the two of you. It sat flat on his palm. 

 

You reached out your hand, but hesitated.

 

You pulled your hand away again.

 

Your hands were shaking.

 

You watched Papyrus close his fingers around the item and drop his hand in his lap.

 

"I SEE YOU FEEL HESITANT AS WELL." He stated quietly. You clenched your fists.

 

"I WILL HIDE IT, FROM YOU... AND SANS AS WELL." You looked up, turning to look at Papyrus.

 

He faced his side, the one you weren't on. He seemed to be thinking very deeply and very... sadly.

 

"... Sans?" You questioned in a whisper.

 

Papyrus was still, then he nodded.

 

"SANS HAS AN ANXIETY ABOUT KNIVES, A PHOBIA EVEN. HE CANT REALLY SEE ONE WITHOUT GETTING ALL SWEATY AND NERVOUS... I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD ONE, OR I WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU SOONER..." Papyrus explained, turning towards you as he spoke, but still not looking you in the eye. He sighed and tucked the item into his scarf. You didn't want to name it, even in your head.

 

Papyrus stood and reached around you, turning off the tub faucet, then stepped away.

 

"TURN AROUND, PLEASE." You blinked in surprise and did as he asked, noting the numbness in your feet.

 

You were shocked when you realized where Papyrus had placed himself. He was on his knees, right in front of you. Before you could react, he took your ankle tentatively, angling your foot higher. He held a tube of ointment in his other hand and you noticed a roll of gauze at his knees. He began to apply the ointment to your heels and wrap your feet up deftly. You just watched in silence.

You realized, too late really, that Papyrus wasn't wearing his gloves like he always did. Like he  _always_  did.

 

The numbness was starting to break and you could feel his finger-pads against your skin, rubbing in the cream.

 

...It felt nice, really nice...

 

You almost...  _almost_  indulged in the moment. But you stopped yourself. You'd done this to yourself and now to Papyrus who was on his knees caring for you like a child.

 

...Pathe-- "IT JUST ISN'T FAIR!" Papyrus broke the silence as well as your quiet loop of self-hatred. You blinked at him in surprise, trying to understand what he meant.

 

He was looking up into your eyes now, brow bones furrowed in frustration. You opened your mouth soundlessly, and simply floundered for a moment before shutting your mouth again. He stared at you still, hands propping up your foot.

 

"IT IS NOT FAIR TO USE MY LACK OF KNOWLEDGE AGAINST ME LIKE THIS." He continued after a moment and your body went cold in an instant.

 

"I DON'T KNOW THINGS ABOUT HUMANS... SO IT'S JUST NOT FAIR WHEN YOU LIE TO ME. YOU SHOULDN'T TELL ME YOUR HARM IS NORMAL BECAUSE THEN--!" Papyrus clacked his teeth together sharply and took a deep breath. He pressed his fingers against his nose ridge, attempting to smooth out the wrinkles forming there, despite it not appearing to work.

 

He looked at you again, expression of frustration morphing to honest concern and sadness. "...BECAUSE THEN, AS YOUR FRIEND, I CAN NOT HELP YOU IF I DON'T KNOW YOU NEED HELP."

 

You took a in sharp breath, something tight clenching in your chest. Your eyes felt hot and stung at the sudden prick of newly forming tears. You tried to push them down, but it was hard. You didn't even know why you were crying all of a sudden. His concern was so... clear and true, it was making you reel.

 

"I'VE DEALT WITH SELF-HARM ISSUES BEFORE, I JUST NEED TO KNOW THAT YOU NEED AND WANT HELP BEFORE I TRY." He explained, and your eyes widened. Your heart thumped painfully in your chest in a way that almost felt like panic.

 

_What? Papyrus had experience with self-harm? Did he...? Had he?_  Before you knew it, your body was moving on its own, reaching forward to smooth your hands over his arms and look over his femurs for any signs of injury.  _What did skeleton self-harm even look like?_  How would you identify it if you saw it? The simple thought of Papyrus hurting himself for any reason... it tore into your heart in a way you weren't prepared for.

 

Papyrus moved slowly while your mind whirled, releasing your foot and instead gently placing his palms against yours, intertwining your fingers together. It halted your shaking hands and brought your attention back to his face in an instant.

 

In the back of your mind you stored away this sensation for a later date. The feeling of your hands against his with no gloves in the way. The way his bones felt thicker than what a human skeleton's should be, how the joints didn't pinch at your skin even though they realistically should... If he wasn't a magic skeleton of course. How you felt an odd warmth that radiated through his bones and made him feel alive.

 

Papyrus was smiling at you, a small smile with tinges of sadness creasing the corners of his eye-sockets. He shook his head slightly. "NOT ME." He reassured softly. "SANS HAD... WELL I'LL JUST SAY HE WAS MUCH WORSE BEFORE..." He went on and you breathed out a sigh of relief, followed immediately by a wave of shame. You were still upset by this revelation, but how dare you be so much more relieved that it wasn't Papyrus who had been hurting himself.

 

"BUT..." Papyrus enunciated the word, drawing you attention back to his face. You hadn't registered looking down into your lap as you had mentally chastised yourself. "BUT..." He said again, softer, and tightened his fingers against your hands.

 

"THAT HURT? THAT PANIC YOU FELT IN THE MOMENT YOU THOUGHT IT WAS ME? THAT IS HOW I FEEL. HOW I FELT THE MOMENT I SAW YOU ON THE STAIRCASE. YOU WOULD WANT TO DO ANYTHING TO HELP ME NOT FEEL THAT WAY, RIGHT? THAT IS WHY I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHEN YOU ARE HURTING. I WANT TO HELP YOU."

 

He paused.

 

"I CARE ABOUT YOU."

 

Your bottom lip trembled and finally the accumulated liquid slipped down your cheeks. "I'm sorry..." You whimpered softly, tipping your head forward. You felt heavy all over all of a sudden, world-weary almost. 

 

Papyrus shifted a little and leaned into you, letting you press your forehead against his shoulder, head tucked against his neck. He let you sob there, shaking his head just barely. "IT'S OKAY, I'M HERE FOR YOU NOW."

 

You only sobbed harder.

 

You cried against him until your throat hurt and there were no more tears to shed, then you cried a few minutes longer until the physical and emotional exertion of it all made it nearly impossible to pick your head back up from Papyrus' support. When your breathing had leveled out enough, Papyrus released your clasped hands and instead lifted you in his arms.

 

It wasn't like you were entirely fit to walk on your own anyways, but it was still startling in the moment.

 

More startling was when he placed you down on his mattress, tucking you in.

 

"...Papyrus, I don't want to take your bed from you." You spoke, voice hoarse and quiet. He just shook his head.

 

"I DON'T THINK I'LL BE ABLE TO SLEEP MUCH TONIGHT ANYWAYS, SO IT'S NO BIG DEAL." He explained with that heart-warming smile of his. 

 

He said goodnight and turned to walk out of the room when your hand shot out from under the covers and grabbed his wrist. He froze, turning to look at you curiously, but you could only stare at the far wall, heart thumping in your chest a mile a minute.

 

"Um..." You began oh so eloquently, swallowing past the lump of nerves in your throat. "I- uh..."

 

You shrunk down in the covers. "I don't want to be alone..."

 

Papyrus didn't move for a long moment and you released his arm, ready to take back your words.

 

"Ne-." "JUST A MOMENT PLEASE."

 

You looked up in surprise then, watching as he turned away and grabbed the chair he had at his action-figure table. He dragged it over to the side of the bed and plopped down in the seat, smiling at you.

 

You stared back, flabbergasted, before finally opening your mouth again. "You don't have to do that."

 

Papyrus beamed at you. "IF IT WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY, THEN OF COURSE I MUST!"

 

You began to argue but Papyrus just leaned forward and pushed a strand of hair from your eyes. You were instantly silent. He still hadn't put his gloves back on.

 

"I  _WANT_  TO, SO PLEASE LET ME. I'LL WATCH OVER YOU WHILE YOU REST." He assured and your heart thudded against your ribs.

 

"... Okay." You whispered finally, voice small. He smiled at you and you smiled back finally, eyelids weighing heavily now.

 

You reached your hand out from under the covers, letting your eyes slip shut finally. "Thank you."

 

Papyrus took your hand in his, gently rubbing his thumb over your knuckles.

 

You let out a contented sigh, already feeling your body sink further into the mattress and your mind slipping into darkness.

 

The house was quiet again. Sans was at Grillby's and Papyrus was by your side.

 

And you didn't feel the itch.

 

"I care 'bout you too..." You whispered in an already dreamy state, forgetting the moment as you tipped over the edge into sleep.

 

Papyrus smiled.


End file.
